8 But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. – The eyes of the Lord favored one of his creations, yet he hated almost everyone else.
9 These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. – Someone feel free to explain to me what “perfect in his generations” means; I’m not going to just guess.
10 And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
11 The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
12 And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. – Cop-out, or God-out. Just another excuse to blame the creation, not the creator.
13 And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. – “All flesh”? Does that mean that in an Earth with violent humans, all the animals deserve to meet their end as well? No thinking person can defend this horseshit.
14 Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. – A young-Earther on YouTube spends an hour talking about gopher wood. If you love gopher wood, click here and have a blast.
15 And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. – Bill Nye on building the Ark:
16 A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. – What is a cubit?
17 And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. – “I, even I, do bring a flood”, of course you do.
18 But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee. – …and thy sons’ friends? No. Thy sons’ wives’ parents? No. Thy sons’ wives’ brothers, sisters or friends? No. Fuck thy sons’ wives’ families; tell your sons’ wives to pay their last respects (to their living friends and family). God is going to deliver a slow, cruel death-by-drowning. Why not issue a poisonous gas over the Earth to kill exactly who you want to kill? Either Yahweh is a sadist or the OT authors couldn’t come up with anything better than a flood.
19 And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. – Every “kind” or every species? For a later discussion.
20 Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. – Two of every kind of germ and microscopic thing? Nope, the author(s) didn’t know germs existed.
21 And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them. – And it shall not go bad, for the Lord your God shall keepeth it fresh.
22 Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.